One Of My Own
by snakes
Summary: Three months of being dead has given Buffy a lot of time to think. Unfortunately for her, it's also given Spike time to think. At least he's still there to help out when something goes horribly wrong. S/N (Spike/Nibblet) eventually.
1. Refuge

One of My Own

It was three months after Buffy died. They couldn't believe she had returned to them. They were almost afraid that she wasn't real. Everyone kept hugging her, or holding her hands, or gripping her shoulders, just to feel that she was solid. To convince themselves that she was truly there. She was a little embarrassed at all the attention but was as overjoyed to see her sister and friends again as they were to see her. Finally though, she needed to break away from the ecstatic reunion. There was one more person Buffy needed to see. She checked to make sure Dawn would be ok with Buffy going out so soon after coming back. Dawn smiled, "He was so crushed when you died. So lost. Go! I'll be fine 'till you get back!" 

Buffy walked through the cemetery until she came to the crypt he called home. Unlike in the past, she was polite enough to knock on the door instead of just letting herself in. He wondered briefly who it was, and whether he should even bother answering. Finally, he pulled himself out of the chair and opened the door. 

"Hi Spike", exclaimed Buffy excitedly. 

He couldn't believe his eyes. "Are you… real?" 

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure I am. See, solid", she said punching him lightly on the shoulder. He rather hesitantly pulled her into a quick hug. *She's real* he thought in amazement as he pulled back. He started to lightly stroke her hair but jerked his hand away as if he'd been burned. He laughed somewhat bitterly. 

Buffy didn't want to hesitate any longer. "Three months of being dead gave me plenty of time to think. I realized that as short as life can be, you have to take happiness anywhere you can find it. I'm ready to quit fighting it. You were right. There is something between us. I love you, Spike!" She expected him to pull her back into her arms. She waited. He stepped back and turned away. 

"Three months of you being dead gave me a lot of time to think too", he started. "I was totally devastated when you died. I didn't think I could go on. Now, I couldn't bear to be together with you only to have to live through that unbearable grief again. Your human lives are so incredibly short. Of course I knew that before, but I never stopped to consider the consequences of loving a mortal. I never let myself think about what the emotional impact would be of your inevitable death. If fighting evil doesn't get you, age will. I can't do it Buffy. I can't go through that again." 

She stared at him in shock. "Are you telling me that when I finally decide to return your love, you are turning me down?!" 

"Yeah, that's exactly what I'm telling you. You and I can't be." 

She stepped forward and placed her hand on his arm, but he shook it off as he turned again to face her. "Please, Buffy, just go." She looked into his eyes and saw the resolve in them. She knew then that he wouldn't give in. Their opportunity for love was over before it ever had a chance. 

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That had been approximately five years ago. Over the years, Spike still helped Buffy and the scoobies on patrol, but beyond that, he no longer tried to be a part of their lives. He kept himself emotionally detached from them. They had tried for a while after Buffy's return to pull him into the group but had given up after several months. Most of them had come to accept him as simply a helpful acquaintance and had stopped trying to push friendship on one who didn't want the emotional attachment. 

Only Dawn had continued to visit him. He was always civil and tolerated her company, but usually seemed distant. She knew that being around her and the scoobies hurt him quite a bit, but she also knew that he was extremely lonely. Occasionally he had broken down and confided in her about the pain of being so alone and the conflicting fear of letting himself feel any attachment to those he knew would die. Other than on those rare occasions, he managed to keep the detachment that he needed to protect himself. He never revealed these feeling to anyone else, but he trusted Dawn not to tell anyone else of the weakness he believed he was showing. She never betrayed his confidences. 

Dawn was now 19, almost 20, and she still visited Spike regularly. He tried not to notice that she'd grown up to be a lovely young woman. Growing up was just the step before growing old. 

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Late one night, an extremely agitated Buffy came to see Spike. "Dawn didn't come home tonight. I was hoping she might be here." 

"I haven't seen her at all today, luv." 

"Oh." Buffy seemed very frightened. "I've already questioned her friends. She left the Bronze hours ago." 

"I'll help you look for her", he offered. He pulled on his leather coat and followed Buffy out of the crypt. They searched until almost daylight. Spike had to get back to his lair. "I'm sorry I can't help you keep looking." Buffy nodded at him, "That's ok. There's nothing you can do about the sun coming up. Thank you for helping. And maybe she will still come by here." 

"Buffy? Let me know when you find her!" Buffy nodded again, then sadly turned and left. 

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The following night, he heard a loud banging at his door. "What the bloody hell…" He pulled the door open to find Buffy kicking at the door while she held onto a struggling vampire. Buffy pulled the vampire into the crypt. Spike noticed that Buffy was crying. "What's wrong, Buffy? This vamp hurt Dawn?" The filthy, obviously newly-risen vamp didn't appear to be much of a threat. "Why didn't you just stake her?" he asked bewildered. It wasn't like Buffy to waste time fighting an easy target like that. Buffy looked up at Spike in shock and confusion. "I… I can't stake my sister!" 

"OH BLOODY HELL!" Vamped out and dirty, she had been almost unrecognizable. But the hair, the clothes… "Oh, Dawn… ", he murmured in disbelief. He stared suddenly at Buffy. "You don't expect ME to do it for you?! I am NOT staking Dawn!" 

"No! I… I just don't know what to do!" Buffy was nearly hysterical. Spike realized that fighting both her tears and the struggling vampire was taking its toll on the slayer. "I think you could use a little break", Spike said as he stepped in and pulled Dawn to him. Buffy noticed that, as he held his arms around Dawn, he barely seemed to notice her struggling. He held her easily. Relieved of the physical burden for now, Buffy totally broke down sobbing. "What do I do? I can't kill her! And why is she like this? She's like a wild animal. Not even like most vamps." 

"Buffy, what do you know about newly risen vamps?" 

"They crawl out of the dirt. I stake them." 

"That's what I thought. Beyond killing them, you've never dealt with a just turned vamp. She needs to feed. She'll be wild like this until she does. Even then, it can take a few days for the demon to settle into its new body." 

Buffy's jaw dropped as Spike's words hit her. She had managed to avoid thinking about the fact that Dawn's soul was gone, replaced by a demon. Spike noticed her alarm and spoke as calmly as he could, "You should leave her." Buffy just stared at him. "I can't just abandon her!" 

"Not abandon her, slayer. Leave her here with me. I'll take care of her. I know, considering her current condition, that I obviously didn't do a very good job of protecting her, but by the time I knew she was missing, it was most likely already too late. But I can help her now." 

Buffy looked at the girl struggling and growling in Spike's arms and noticed again the ease with which he held her. It had taken much of Buffy's energy to hang on to the squirming vamp for long. "What are you going to do?" Buffy asked as she tried to control her sobbing. "Whatever I can, Slayer", he said quietly. "I can't promise anything, Buffy. You know as well or better than anybody that she's not going to be the same. And how much of the original personality remains after turning can vary widely among vampires." He noticed the terror in Buffy's eyes and tried to reassure her. "I'll try to pull as much of Dawn to the surface as possible." 

Buffy stared at the two vampires a bit longer before she finally replied, barely able to get the words out, "I guess you really are the best suited to take care of her now. Thank you, Spike." Buffy reached out to stroke Dawn's hair, but Dawn just tried to bite Buffy's wrist. Buffy pulled away in shock. "I'm so sorry, Dawn, so sorry!" Buffy looked back to Spike, "Is there anything I can do for her?" Spike looked down at Dawn's dirty clothes and matted hair. "You could bring her some clean clothes… and a hairbrush." Buffy nodded. "Ok, I will. Take good care of her, Spike?" Spike nodded back. Buffy turned and ran from the crypt. 

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"Ok, Nibblet, what to do with you. Gotta get you to eat." He pulled her down to sit on the floor in front of his small fridge and opened the door. He wasn't going to be able to let go of the girl in order to warm anything up. She'd just run out into the night to feed the old fashioned way if she got the chance. Cold would have to do. He looked over the contents of the fridge. Plenty of pig's blood from the butcher's, and a few packets of human blood that he'd managed to get from the blood bank. 

He sighed. It wasn't all the time that he was even able to get human blood. *At least it's for a good cause.* He grabbed one of the blood bank bags out of the fridge. "I hope you appreciate this, Nibblet. I'm giving you the best stuff I've got. Vintage 2006." He bit through the bag, and then quickly brought it to Dawn's mouth. She tried to push the bag away, but Spike was much stronger. Once she'd tasted the first few drops of blood, she sucked hungrily at it. When the bag was empty, Spike grabbed another for her. When she'd finished the second bag, she still hadn't dropped her demon face, but she had stopped growling and was no longer struggling against him. 

He pulled her around to look at him, to search for any recognition in her golden, demonic eyes. At first she just looked at him blankly, but then he saw it, just the faintest glimmer of recognition. "Nibblet, it's me. It's Spike. I'm going to be taking care of you for a while." She didn't really respond, but she did seem to relax a little. He just held her close. Spike realized that it would be morning soon, and Dawn would need to get some sleep. He continued to hold her until she drifted off. He lifted her and set her gently in the chair. Then he dug through some blankets to find a thick quilt, which he laid across the stone tomb in the center of the crypt. She deserved better than the bare, cold stone. He lifted the young vamp out of the chair and lay her down on the quilt covered tomb. 

He sat down in the chair nearby, to watch over her. He was tired too, but wasn't willing to leave her unattended. He caught himself starting to doze a few times, and finally, giving in to his exhaustion, he lay on his bed beside her, pulling her into his arms. One good thing about sleeping like the dead, he knew he wouldn't move and let go of her in his sleep. If she woke, she couldn't get up without waking him. He let himself drift off to sleep. 

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Buffy came by the crypt late the next day. No one answered her knock, so she cautiously let herself in. Spike had woken up at the sound of her knocking and was trying to untangle his arms from around Dawn without waking her. He sat up. "Hi Buffy." Buffy looked at the two vampires. "What is THIS?! I left her here for you to look after, not so you could take advantage of her!" Spike got to his feet. "Buffy! I'm NOT! I was just making sure she didn't get up and into any trouble without me knowing about it!" Buffy leaned back heavily against the wall. "I'm sorry, Spike. I know that. I'm just so… on edge. I still can't believe I let this happen", she said quietly, looking at the sleeping girl who was starting to wake up. Dawn sat up and saw Buffy. 

Dawn's eyes widened in fear. She jumped down from the bed and ran over to Spike. "Slayer!" she gasped in terror. It was the first word she'd spoken since Buffy brought her here. Spike grabbed Dawn firmly but gently by the shoulders and looked her in the eye. "No. Well… yeah… But she's not here as the slayer. She's just here as your sister, as Buffy. It's Buffy." He turned Dawn back to face Buffy, wrapping his arms around Dawn to prevent her from either running from or attacking Buffy. Buffy raised her eyes to Spike's. "She's afraid of me." 

"Well, you _are_ the slayer. Vampires do tend to be afraid of you." 

Buffy looked sadly at her sister. "Dawn, I won't hurt you. You know I could never hurt you." Dawn pushed back against Spike, trying to move away from Buffy. Spike stood his ground and held Dawn tightly. He spoke quietly into her ear. "Nibblet, you know I'd never let anyone hurt you if I could help it. Trust me. She's not going to hurt you." Dawn was still tensed, but she stopped trying to back away. 

Spike looked at the duffle bag Buffy was carrying. "Did you bring Dawn's stuff?" Buffy set the bag down on the floor in front of her. "Yeah." Spike stroked Dawn's dirty, matted hair and spoke to her calmly. "Stay here. I'm just going to go get the bag. Ok?" Dawn didn't seem to be upset by it, so he went and got the bag and brought it back. He handed it to her. "There's some clothes for you. Why don't you go back and change into something clean." He gestured toward an alcove in the back of the crypt. Dawn quietly took the bag and disappeared into the shadows. 

Buffy spoke quietly to Spike. She wasn't sure if her sister should hear this. "I'm still tracking down whoever did this to her. I talked to one of her friends who wasn't there when I talked to the rest of them last night. I got a description of a boy that Dawn left the Bronze with. Not much to go on. If you can get her to tell you anything…" Spike answered determinedly, "I'll help you find the bastard that did this. If it weren't for the fact that I can't be leaving her alone, I'd find him and kill him myself." 

"I know you would. First we have to find out who he is." Buffy looked down at the floor, afraid to ask, "Spike, I know vampires have a bond with their sire. Is she going to be upset if she finds out that I'm hunting him? Is she going to want to go to him?" 

"I don't think so, Buffy. Were you there as soon as she arose?" Buffy bit her lip, but nodded. Spike reassured her, "Then either no vampire was waiting there for her when she arose, or at least you got to her first. She hasn't seen him since she was bitten, so she wouldn't have formed any bond. If you can find him before he finds her, she won't bond. At least not with him." 

"What do you mean, 'not with him'?" 

"Buffy, I hope you can understand this. There isn't any 'blood bond' that exists automatically between a vampire and their sire. New vampires do tend to bond with a more experienced vampire, very often their sire, because that's how the younger vamps learn what they need to know to survive. Granted Dawn doesn't have to worry about the slayer, but she will need to deal with a lot of other things. It's still going to be a natural reaction for her to want someone to help her adjust to her new unlife." He hesitated briefly before continuing, "Under the circumstances, if she feels that need to bond, I expect she'll probably bond to me." 

Buffy visibly relaxed. Spike looked at her a bit surprised. That wasn't the reaction he'd expected, but he'd wanted to be honest with her. "You're not threatening to stake me, Buffy." She looked deep into his eyes. "Of course not. I haven't threatened to stake you in years. If Dawn's naturally going to bond to another vampire, if it's something she needs, and something I shouldn't and probably couldn't prevent, it's best if that vampire is you." She was silent for a moment. "I'd better go. I want to find her sire soon. Like you said, before he finds her. I might lose her completely if that happened." Buffy left before she broke down crying again. 

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Spike continued to wait for Dawn to get changed into clean clothes. *Women! They take forever to get ready!* "Nibblet? You ok back there?" he called to the back of the crypt. She hesitantly walked out, carrying her bag. Dawn had changed into a clean t-shirt and jeans, but her face and hands were still dirty, and her hair was a tangled mess. She was still vamped out. She hadn't dropped her vamp face yet since Buffy had brought Dawn here. Spike was concerned. It could simply mean that she was still feeling defensive, which time would deal with. However, some vamps never dropped their demon features and tended to be little more than animals. Dawn remaining vamped out could mean that the human side of her was completely repressed by the demon. If he couldn't draw the Dawn part of her out... 

"C'mere, luv." He motioned her over. He'd filled a basin with water and gave her a chance to wash the dirt from her hands and face. At least she seemed to care about getting cleaned up, which was a good sign. When she'd finished washing, he gave her the hairbrush, but she just started yanking and tearing at the thick tangles, and he took the brush away. He managed to coax her to sit in the chair. He sat on the cushioned arm of the chair and began gently brushing the knots from Dawn's hair. It reminded him of all the times he had lovingly brushed Drusilla's hair for her, those many years ago. Getting all of the knots out of Dawn's hair took a while, but eventually he had her hair laying smooth and shiny down her back. He gently stroked her hair, beautiful once again, and spoke soothingly to her. She finally turned to face him; her demon features having finally slipped away. 

The face of the Dawn he knew looked back at him, but she looked confused, lost, and alone. He knew that feeling all to well from the past few years. He wrapped his arms around her to comfort her. "It's going to be ok, Little Bit. I know you're disoriented, and probably a bit scared, but you don't have to go through this alone. You're not alone. I'm here for you now. I'll always be here for you. Whatever help you need to get used to this change, you can come to me." He needed her to understand that he was not going to abandon her, and that he was in this for however long she required. He held her and spoke gently to her, until she finally seemed to accept his reassurances. 

He finally seemed to have the young vampire's trust, but she still hadn't shown any signs of the memories and personality that had been his Nibblet. He had hoped they would come out on their own once she'd relaxed, but they hadn't. Somehow, he needed to reach Dawn, to get past the demon and find what remained of her human self. He had promised Buffy that he would do everything he could to bring the human side of Dawn to the surface. He fully intended to do everything in his power to do that, and not just because he'd promised Buffy. He couldn't bear to see Dawn like this, a shadow of her former self. 

He thought back to what he knew of her life and spoke of these earlier times to her, constantly gauging her reaction. At times she almost didn't even seem to hear, but occasionally, certain memories seemed to spark some deeply buried feeling, if only momentarily. He talked for what seemed like, and probably was, hours. Finally, he said quietly to her, "You were always here for me the past five years, Dawn. You always seemed to know when I was feeling lost and alone, and somehow you always showed up. No matter how much I acted like I didn't need anyone, you always understood. Do you remember?" He stared into her eyes and asked almost desperately, "Are you there, Nibblet?! Do you remember me?!" 

He had run out of things to say and was about to start repeating some of the memories that had seemed to stir her, when she finally leaned against him and started to sob uncontrollably. "Spike. I'm dead, Spike. I'm dead." He lifted her chin, to bring her back to look at him. "So am I, luv, and you've never held that against me." She actually managed a small smile through her tears. He held her gaze. He'd seen his Dawn come through in that smile, and he wasn't going to let her slip away. 

He could tell that she was struggling not to fall back away, letting the demon take hold. "I'm scared, Spike. Am I even still me? My soul is gone, right?" 

"Yeah. But I've never really understood why they make such a big deal of that. The personality doesn't stay with the soul." 

"But, a demon took the place of my soul, isn't that how it works? Isn't that who I am now?" 

"I won't lie to you. You need to accept the demon. It's a part of you now. The demon _can_ suppress the human side of a vampire, but if you're strong, you can balance the two." 

"What if I'm not strong?" she asked, fear evident in her shaky voice. 

"Then _I'll_ be strong _for_ you. I won't let the Dawn I care about get lost. I can help you learn to control the balance of the two sides of yourself. Let me help you, guide you. Don't be afraid." 

He saw a look of understanding cross her face. "Ok. I won't be afraid anymore, Spike. I'm like you, now." She held one hand over her unbeating heart, still unused to the stillness. "I trust you to help me, Spike." 

Her gaze drifted toward the crypt door. She could feel the need to feed. The urge to kill was overwhelming her. "It's dark. I'm hungry. Are we going to go out to feed? I haven't made my first kill yet." He gaze drifted back to Spike. 

"Dawn, no. You've known me long enough to know that you don't need to kill to feed. I've survived just fine for almost seven years." 

"You've had no choice. I can kill someone for you. You can have fresh blood again!" 

Spike thought back to the time, over five years ago, when Dru had returned to him. They had hunted together at The Bronze, she throwing a limp, lifeless body into his arms. Yes, the fresh kill had tasted wonderful after so long, but… it had been humiliating being tossed someone else's kill, like a dog being tossed scraps. Surprisingly, it had been even more humiliating than drinking pig's blood from a mug, probably because it was a humiliation served up by one of his own kind. He'd never even been able to stomach the thought of accepting prey from that bimbo Harmony. Shaking that awful vision away, he finally answered, "No, Dawn. I tried that once. It turned out to be only a painful reminder of what had been taken away from me." 

Dawn looked at him sympathetically. Although he hadn't spoken of it aloud, she had seen the look of humiliation on his face and understood what that experience had meant to him. "I'm sorry, Spike. I didn't mean to embarrass you." "It's ok, Nibblet. You didn't know." 

"Spike? What about me? What am I supposed to do? I can kill. I feel a desire, a need, to kill. It's what I'm meant to do, isn't it?" 

"Dawn, since I can't kill because of the chip, I would definitely have gone insane by now if I hadn't managed to suppress that need. If I could learn to control that urge, after 120 years of killing, I know you can." 

"Why would you want me to? Without a chip, I don't need to suppress it. Is it because _Buffy_ wouldn't like it?" Dawn asked with a trace of bitterness. 

Spike took Dawn's hands in his and looked her in the eye. "Two reasons, Little Bit. One, your killing would strengthen the demon. You would become less of the Dawn that I've grown to care about." 

"And the other", Dawn asked. 

Spike dropped her hands and stared down at the floor. "I'm afraid that you wouldn't be able to respect me, defanged, chipped, and pathetic, if you were hunting." 

"How could I not? You've been my closest friend for years, and now you're my guide. I'd respect you, chip or no chip." 

"That's because you haven't killed. You haven't made that final transition. I believe I would lose your friendship if you ever did." 

Hurting him was something she never wanted to do. She took his hands in hers again. "Ok, Spike. If you don't want me to, then I _will_ try." She was quiet for a moment. "I am hungry though." 

Spike got up and walked to the fridge. "Hope you don't mind a warm mug of pig's blood." *Might as well get her used to it as soon as possible* he thought. He warmed up two mugs of blood and handed one to Dawn. They sat and drank together. He was glad to see that she didn't have any trouble adjusting to the non-human blood. 

As they sat drinking, she thought over the things he'd said to her. "Spike, Buffy once said that you'd told her about when you became a vampire. She said that you'd told her what a powerful experience it was, and that you believed that being a vampire was an improvement. I guess I can understand about the second reason you gave me for not wanting me to kill, although I still don't believe that I would ever not like you. The first reason though, I don't understand that. Why wouldn't you want me to become more like a vampire, less like my human self, if being a vampire is better?" 

Spike set his mug down on the floor. Some things he really never wanted to tell anyone, but in this case he felt he had to. "Nibblet, I did tell Buffy those things, but I didn't tell her the whole story. I let her believe that I'd always been pretty much like I am now, and that being turned just gave more power to my evil, nasty self. It wasn't really like that." 

He steeled himself to continue revealing the truth about himself. "Try to understand. I despised who I was when I was alive. So did everyone else who knew me. I wasn't the tough bad guy I told your sister I was. I was pathetic. My life consisted of being scorned and ridiculed." He paused in his retelling of his life and waited for Dawn's reaction. Even after well over a century, one thing Spike had never stopped fearing in all that time was being belittled and rejected, and he tensed as he waited. 

She was looking at him with curiosity, anxious for him to go on. "What was so bad about you?" She asked it kindly. She seemed only concerned about him, not disappointed by his revelation about his life, so he cautiously continued, watching her expression the whole time. "I was… well… a wimp. I was timid and weak. I considered myself a poet and tried so hard to write beautiful words to win a lady's heart. I never won any ladies' hearts. The real reason I was called 'William the Bloody' when I was alive was because I wrote such bloody awful poetry." 

Dawn got a disgusted look on her face, and Spike dreaded the response he was going to get. Dawn said angrily, "That was cruel! If a guy wrote me poetry, I'd be flattered, even if it wasn't very good! Sometimes I can't believe how stupid and mean people can be!" Spike was surprised, but a bit amused at her reaction. "Calm down, Little Bit, it was a long time ago." 

"Well, it was still mean." She nodded emphatically. Then she thought for a minute. "But what does this have to do with me not killing? Or were you trying to change the subject?" 

"No, I wasn't changing the subject. Listen to me, Nibblet. I told you that I hated who I was when I was alive. Being turned allowed me to completely change who I was, and I really did change pretty much everything. But you, Dawn… you were already wonderful the way you were. You don't need a demon to make you strong, or to make people love you. There wasn't anything about you that needed to be changed. You were already strong. You have a sister and friends who love you. I bet you don't have any trouble attracting the boys either!" He grinned at her. She looked a little embarrassed. 

He dropped his grin and looked at her a little sheepishly. "Now me on the other hand… Drusilla was the first woman who _ever_ wanted me, who ever loved me. I probably would have spent my life alone if I hadn't been turned. For me, becoming a vampire was when my life really started. I was nobody until then." 

Dawn had finished drinking, and as soon as Spike had finished speaking, he quickly got up to warm more blood and refill their mugs. He was grateful for the excuse to briefly busy himself with the task. Dawn had always looked up to him, had always considered him cool, and he had just told her about his embarrassing life. Even if she did think it was mean for people to have taunted him, certainly her opinion of him would be changed. He wanted a few minutes to brace himself for that change. He tensed when he felt her come up beside him. She slipped her hand into his. "Spike, I don't believe you were ever nobody. Back when I was 14, when I had to deal with finding out I was the key, and then mom dying, and Buffy dying, and Buffy coming back, people at school thought I was a freak. Really, I pretty much was a freak. But you never treated me like one. Do evil vampires usually make freaky fourteen-year-old girls feel like they're somebody worth talking to? Or is that 'nobody' that you believe you were when you were alive still a part of you deep down? Was that why you were always able to make me feel like I was somebody, even after you knew that I really was nobody, just an energy blob?" 

Spike finally managed to look up to face Dawn. He felt rather silly. He was supposed to be helping her deal with becoming a vampire, and here she was helping him deal with who he'd been before he'd been a vampire. "Nibblet, I thought you just liked hanging out with me because I was 'cool'." She smiled at him. "You are cool, Spike. That's just not the only thing I like about you." 

He realized that he still had her hand in his, and he let it go so that he could finish warming up the blood. He handed Dawn's refilled mug back to her. They were quiet for a while as they drank. Dawn finally couldn't resist asking, "Do you ever still write poetry?" Spike was startled. Dawn was just full of surprises tonight. "Um… why would I do that? I… er… told you I was very bad at it. Bloody awful and all, remember?" Spike was not a very good liar. "You do, don't you?!" Dawn was unrelenting. "I want to hear some of your poetry. I had to write poetry sometimes in school, and mine was terrible, so I won't make fun of yours, I promise!" 

Spike couldn't believe he was doing this, but he dug into the bottom of the trunk he kept his few belongings in and pulled out the journal he wrote in. He came back to where Dawn was waiting. "Here." He quickly handed the book to her. "But first laugh I hear I'm taking it back!" 

She read for a while. He was really surprised she didn't stop in disgust after the first page. Finally she looked up at him, "You really wrote these? They're beautiful. I don't understand. You said they were awful." 

"You actually like them?" No one had ever liked his poetry before, but then again no one had ever read _Spike's_ poetry. William had never let his natural way with words flow onto the paper. He'd always been too inhibited and had tried too hard to write what he thought good poetry should be. Spike had no such inhibitions and simply wrote what he felt. He had written page after page of beautiful, sensual imagery, without even trying. 

  
  



	2. Turning

One of My Own

Dawn handed Spike's journal of poetry back to him. As he took it, he looked at her questioningly. "Did you really think they were good, or are you just trying to be nice?" He tilted his head and tried to judge the look on her face. "Be honest now." 

"I am being honest, Spike. I really think they're good. Hey, you've had 125 years to improve!" 

"But I only started writing again about 5 years ago, when I was isolating myself so much after Buffy came back…" He looked somewhat bewildered, but he was happy that Dawn did really seem to like his poetry. Now, he didn't feel so stupid about having written it. 

She just shrugged. "Doesn't matter. They're still good." He buried the journal back in the very bottom of the trunk. He still didn't want it where anyone else was likely to discover it. "Spike." "Yeah Nibblet?" "Thanks for letting me read it." "Thanks for not laughing at me for writing it!" 

He sat down close to her. "You seem to be getting back to your old self, Sweet Bit. I'm glad to see it. I was worried about you." She could see in his eyes that he really had been frightened for her, more than he was letting on. "You still haven't told me how this happened, Dawn. How'd you get turned? Do you remember?" 

"Yeah, I remember." The smile dropped from her face, and she stared at the floor. He hated having to bring it up, but he had to find out. 

"Was someone trying to get at the slayer by turning you?" 

"I don't think so. It was just stupid. I should have known better. Both you and Buffy have warned me often enough that it's dangerous out there. But he said he just wanted to step outside to talk, because it was quieter." 

"Who did?" 

"Just some guy. Said his name was Jason. He'd been hitting on me all night." 

"You liked this guy, huh?" 

"No, not really. But I figured I could deal with him better by myself, without my friends there trying to egg me on to go for this guy. He could tell they were, and it was just encouraging him. I just wanted to tell him to leave me alone. He said he didn't think so, and the next thing I knew I was up against the wall, and he was biting me. I couldn't even scream." 

She shuddered, and Spike wrapped an arm around her shoulder, trying to comfort her. 

"That's all I remember until Buffy almost staked me and then dragged me here instead, and that part's all kind of hazy. It's like I was in some kind of fog, until you pulled me out of it." 

She seemed terrified all over again, and Spike felt like a cad for having brought up her turning, especially since she'd seemed so calm and happy just moments before. "I'm sorry for bringing up bad memories, Bit", he said in practically a whisper. "Forgive me." 

She nodded and leaned into him. "I wanted to tell you. I needed to tell someone." He held her as she calmed down again. Finally, she pulled away and wiped a few tears from her eyes. "Sorry, Spike. I'll be ok now." 

When he was sure she wasn't going to break down, he got up and looked through his stuff. "I'm almost out of cigarettes. I'm going to go out and pick some up. Promise you'll wait here? I don't want you wandering around by yourself yet." 

"Why can't I come with you?" 

"I'm not going to corrupt you, taking you with me when I'm buying booze or cigarettes." 

She rolled her eyes at him. "Hey, I'm not a little kid. I'm pretty sure I can handle it." 

"Please, Nibblet. Just stay here. I promise I'll take you out somewhere tomorrow night. Ok?" 

She sighed. He was as stubborn as Buffy. "Ok, I'll wait here." 

"I won't be long", he said as he left. 

---------------------------------------------------------------------- 

As soon as he'd gotten a fair distance away from the crypt, he started running. He ran all the way to The Bronze without stopping, a benefit of not getting out of breath due to not having to breathe. He had the description that Buffy had given him, and now he had a name. Spike wandered in and started looking around. He saw a group about the same age as Dawn, none fitting the description, but he went up to talk to them. They all looked at him kind of funny, since he was dressed strange and appeared to be several years older than any of them. "I'm looking for a guy about your age, name of Jason", Spike told them, and gave a description of what this Jason looked like. 

"I think you mean him", one of the boys said, pointing towards the door where a couple was about to leave. The guy fit Jason's description. The boy pointing him out snickered. "I don't think he'd appreciate you bothering him right now. Looks like he's about to get some." Spike ignored the boy and followed the couple out of the building. The girl was already struggling to get away. 

Spike walked up to them. Spike could sense that the guy was definitely a vampire. "Hey, I don't think she's really interested in you", he said to what he hoped was Jason. 

"I don't think it's any of your business." 

"I'm making it my business." 

Jason vamped out and said, "I really think you'll stay out of this if you know what's good for you." 

Spike calmly slipped into his own demon face. "Wanna bet?" 

Jason let go of the girl and stepped towards Spike. "You lookin' for a fight?" The girl who'd been with Jason took advantage of the opportunity to run away. 

Spike moved quickly and slammed Jason face first, flat up against the wall, before Jason could do anything. Spike said calmly, "That wasn't much of a fight. Rather boring in fact. Maybe you could make this more interesting by telling me about a girl named Dawn." 

"Dawn? I don't know any Dawn." 

"You can't have forgotten already. It was just two nights ago. Beautiful girl. Long, brown hair…" 

"Oh, her." 

"Yeah, her. Why'd you do it? Why'd you turn her?" 

"Oh come on, obvious isn't it? Lovely thing like that. Turn a chick, she'll do whatever you want. I do it all the time. Gonna tell me you don't?" 

"I don't", Spike growled. "I know how to treat a lady." 

"A lady?" Jason laughed, as much as he could with his chest pressed up against the wall. "That Dawn was all over me. She wanted me bad! I know how to treat a tramp like that!" 

Spike spun Jason around and slammed him back against the wall, one of Spike's hands tightly around Jason's throat and the other hand holding a stake pointed at Jason's chest. "You. Take. That. Back." 

Jason started struggling when he saw the stake. "Stop it, man! What do you care anyway? What's she to you? Just let me go!" 

"She's my friend, you bloody stupid wanker! Now take back what you said!" He pushed the stake harder against Jason's chest, drawing blood. 

"Fine! I take it back!" 

"Good." Spike shoved the stake into Jason's heart and enjoyed the shocked look on Jason's face just before he turned to dust. 

---------------------------------------------------------------------- 

Spike turned and hurried back to the crypt. Dawn's sharp eyes noticed that Spike had come back without any cigarettes. Spike saw how she was looking at him and realized that he'd forgotten to stop at the store for his alibi. "Spike, gone all that time and you didn't even remember to get your cigarettes? That's not what you went out for, is it?" Dawn asked. "You went looking for Jason", she stated plainly. 

He couldn't lie to her. "I did." 

"Did you find him? Did you kill him?" 

Spike stared at the floor. What if she hadn't been completely truthful about how she felt about Jason? The guy was a complete jerk, but she didn't necessarily know that. Spike tried to answer, but he couldn't speak. 

"Did you?" she asked again. 

"Yeah", he blurted out. "I found him, and I killed him." 

Spike continued to stare at the floor, unable to look at Dawn for her reaction. Had he just undone all the progress they'd made tonight? 

Dawn put her hand on his face and brought it up to meet her eyes. "What's wrong, Spike?" She looked concerned. "You're not hurt are you?" She looked him over for any sign of injury. 

"No, I'm fine. It's just… are you angry? That I killed your sire?" 

"Angry? No! I'm glad you did! He… he told me that once he'd turned me, I'd be his, and do whatever he wanted. I was so afraid of what would happen if I saw him again. Afraid that he'd have control over me." She was trying hard not to start crying. 

Spike wrapped his arms around Dawn, so glad that she wasn't angry. "Oh Dawn. Maybe if he'd gotten to you first, when you were still disoriented, he might have been able to make you dependent on him. But the minute Buffy dragged you through my door, you were safe. I would never have let him hurt you. I wouldn't have let you out of my sight until I knew he wouldn't be able to control you like that." Although Spike didn't say it, he also knew that if Jason had gotten to Dawn and taken advantage of the situation, Spike would have fought him, killed him, to get Dawn back. "If you were afraid, why didn't you ask me about it, Nibblet?" 

"I wasn't sure I wanted to know the answer, and I would have been embarrassed if you'd told me that I was some dork's minion." 

"You'd have been _embarrassed_?! I let you read my _poetry_, for gods sakes. I told you all about my pathetic life. You should never be embarrassed to come to me, Bite Size." He tensed suddenly when he realized what he'd said. 

"Spike? What is it?" 

"Dawn, does it bother you that I call you nicknames like that, now that someone really has, you know, taken a bite outta you?" 

"No, I don't mind it coming from you. But I'm hardly bite sized anymore. I'm almost as tall as you!" She stood up straight and could look him almost directly in the eye. 

"No, you're not bite sized, are you? But you'll still always be my Nibblet." 

She dropped her head onto his shoulder and laughed. He smiled to hear her happy again. 

Spike finally released Dawn from his arms and looked at her. She truly had grown up to be quite beautiful. It certainly wasn't the first time that he had noticed. So many times, he hadn't been able to help but notice. But when she'd stood to face him, while still in his arms, the way her body had pressed against his… 

Spike closed his eyes and tried to suppress his desire. He didn't want Dawn to see him looking at her with lust in his eyes. He realized just how special she was to him. As much as he had tried to avoid it, over the last couple of years he had still managed to fall in love with her. It wasn't just fear of rejection or loss of her friendship that made him hide his feelings even now that she was no longer human. He was equally afraid that she would accept any romantic advances he made, but only out of a sense of obligation. He had taken her in and cared for her when she was just turned, had taken on the role of her mentor in place of her sire. 

She had just finished confiding in him her fear of being under someone's control, and Spike was the one most likely to actually have that control. He would not take advantage of her vulnerability. He loved her. He wanted her. He wanted her more than anything, but only if she truly wanted him too. He walked past her, careful not to look in her direction. 

Dawn watched him walk away, not quite sure what had just happened. But it had been a long night, and maybe she was just confused because she was getting sleepy. She walked over to lie down on the makeshift bed. 

Spike longed to lie next to her again, with her in his arms. She obviously wasn't going to run away now, however, so he had no such excuse tonight. He sat down in his armchair. 

"Are you coming to bed?" 

"I think I'll stay up a bit longer, Nibblet." 

As she drifted off to sleep, he pulled out the journal she'd been reading earlier and turned to a blank page. His feelings for her were overwhelming him. He needed to express them somehow, and the paper was waiting. He wanted this one to be special. It was for Dawn, even if she'd never know it. He struggled to find the right words, words fine enough to convey his feelings for her. When he'd finished writing, he read what he'd written. He suddenly realized what William's problem had been. He almost laughed out loud, but he held the sound back, not wanting to wake Dawn. Spike ripped the page of dreadful writing out of the book and crumpled and tossed it in the trash. 

He sat back in the chair and looked over at Dawn, asleep on his bed. His pen was back on the paper. His thoughts and emotions spilled out onto the page as he wrote again. *Much better* he thought, reading the final work. He was afraid that what he'd written was too obviously about her, so he carefully tore that page out too, folding it neatly and putting it in the back pocket of his jeans. Then he lay back in the chair and drifted off to sleep. 

She woke once, during the early morning, and saw Spike asleep in his chair. He hadn't come to bed. Earlier in the night, when she had stood in his arms, her body against his, it had felt so good, so right. She had loved him for so long, and for a few brief seconds, she had thought that he'd felt it too. But then he'd seemed upset by her closeness. He had taken his arms from around her and had walked away, appearing unwilling even to look at her. And he'd slept in the chair. She cried silently until she fell back to sleep. 

---------------------------------------------------------------------- 

Spike woke to find Dawn already up and warming their next meal. She had warmed blood for him before a few times, mainly when he'd been badly injured and barely able to move. But she'd always scrunched up her face and held the mug out to him with obvious disgust. Spike found it fascinating watching her now, as she finished preparing the two mugs of blood and carried them over as if they were no worse than two cups of coffee. "What's with this then, Nibblet?" 

"You've been generous enough to give me a place to stay. I figured the least I could do is heat up breakfast. Or is it dinner?" She looked thoughtful for a minute, but then just laughed quietly. She handed one mug to Spike, then sat on the floor and drank hers. He watched her discreetly as she drank. He was impressed with how well she was adapting. The previous night she had gone from scared, confused, and barely knowing who she was to being practically her old self. That change seemed to be holding. She appeared totally comfortable with the idea that she was a vampire now, but she also seemed well in control of her demon aspect. She did vamp out when she fed, but as soon as she was finished drinking, her human features immediately slid back into place. He wasn't even sure if she was aware of it. 

He'd never seen a vampire so in control so soon after turning. He wondered if it was because he hadn't let her make the final transition by making a kill, or if Dawn's personality was simply strong enough not to be suppressed by the demon side of her. Maybe it was a Key thing? It didn't matter why, he decided. He was just glad to see her adapting so easily. 

He still needed to get her out of the crypt, to see how well she could handle the rest of the world, surrounded by walking food. In fact, he had promised to take her out tonight, hadn't he? He wondered if she remembered. "You've been cooped up here for two days. Would you still like to go out somewhere tonight?" 

Her face lit up. "You really meant it? When you said you'd take me out tonight?" 

"I said it, didn't I?" 

"Yeah! But, ooh, if we're going out in public, I really need a shower. I'm sure I must look a mess." 

Spike thought to himself that she looked absolutely lovely. 

"Buffy also didn't bring me anything decent to wear for a night out. I think she expects you to keep me locked up in this crypt for the next century. Can we stop by the house so I can shower and pick up something nice to wear?" 

"Yeah, we could do that." No sooner had the words left his mouth, Spike realized with a shock that Dawn would be unable to enter the Summers' house without an invite. She probably hadn't even thought of that. After only two days, he wasn't sure if Buffy would give one. Spike didn't even want to think about what it would do to Dawn if Buffy refused to let her in. He needed a way around this, fast! 

"Hey, Nibblet, instead of just picking up something from home, how'd you like to go out and buy yourself something new for tonight?" 

"I don't have any money. What I did have with me, I think Jason swiped." 

"Don't worry, Nibblet, I've got enough money for it." 

"Where'd you get money from? Steal it?" 

"No, I di… well… ok, the money I started with I stole, but a few years back I started getting some investment advice from Anya. I've made a decent amount of money that way." 

"Then why are you still living in a crypt?" 

"I didn't say I got rich. The money wouldn't last long paying rent, but I can certainly afford to buy you something nice to wear tonight. We'd better hurry before all the stores close, but you're gonna eat some more before we leave. It'll make it a lot easier for you to be around humans if you're not hungry." 

When he was convinced that she'd fed enough, they headed out in his car. "Spike, you sure you're not going to be bored silly waiting for me to try on stuff?" 

"Oh, I'm sure I will be, but I'm not about to let you go off on your own yet." He wasn't about to admit how much he actually looked forward to buying something nice for her. 

"I do feel more comfortable with you here, just in case… " She didn't finish what she'd been going to say, but she didn't need to. He understood. 

They found a store that was still open, and Dawn quickly sorted through the dresses and grabbed a few to try on. Spike sat and fidgeted while he waited. Finally, she came out of the dressing room. "What do ya think, Spike?" she said turning all the way around. She looked absolutely stunning. She was wearing a short, form-fitting, dark blue dress, with a low cut neckline and open back. He almost told her to go change. He didn't want her to have the same effect on any other guys that she was having on him right now. But he definitely wanted to keep seeing her in that dress. "It looks nice", he said noncommittally. 

She'd hoped for more of a reaction, but if this one didn't do it, nothing would. She was starting to head back toward the dressing room, when she thought to look at the price tag. "Damn", she mumbled. 

"What's wrong Nibblet?" 

"I didn't realize how much this dress was. It's too expensive." 

He walked over and casually took a look at the price tag. "No problem, Nibblet. I can afford that. You want it, it yours." The smile that was directed at him was more than worth the price of the dress. 

She changed back into her own clothes, and Spike made the purchase. He noticed the way Dawn was looking at the salesclerk. Dawn was aware of the woman's heartbeat, the pulsing of her blood, and it inflamed all of Dawn's senses and pulled the demon close to the surface, even though she didn't really need to eat now. If she killed the clerk, Spike wouldn't have to pay for that expensive dress. *No! Spike doesn't want me to do that! Get a grip on yourself, Dawn!* She looked over at Spike, confusion and even some fear in her eyes. Spike gently stroked her back and spoke quietly to her. "It's ok, Nibblet. You're going to feel that way. You can handle it. It'll get easier over time, I promise." He was actually amazed that she had managed to handle this first encounter without her demon fully emerging. 

As they left the store, he told her, "You didn't even vamp out, luv. That proves how strong you are. You'll get through this just fine." Spike then got dragged along with her to find shoes. He was afraid that this would be a test of just how strong _he_ was, but fortunately, the shoe shopping turned out to be rather quick and painless. 

As they were driving back, she reminded him that she still needed to take a shower. From being buried, she still had dirt, well, just about everywhere. She gave him a curious look. "Where do you go to shower anyway? You do shower don't you?" The look on her face made him laugh. "Yeah, don't worry, Bit. I'm not wearing 125 years' worth of dirt." She giggled. "There's plenty of public buildings with showers. I just break in when I need to." 

He figured she might be a bit more finicky about bathroom conditions than he was, so he pulled his car into the parking lot behind an old motel. He went room to room listening for anyone inside. He found one that appeared to be empty, and quickly picked the lock. He peeked inside looking for luggage, but the room looked unused for now. "We don't know if someone is coming later, so try to hurry. If someone does show up, by the time they can go to the desk and try to clear up the confusion, we should be able to be out of here." 

She showered fairly quickly, but took enough time to get off all the dirt. Fortunately the motel had supplied those little soaps, and she'd brought her hairbrush along. She dried off and changed into her new dress and shoes. 

"Hope you left some hot water." Spike took his turn in the shower. He came out wearing just his jeans. He'd accidentally gotten his t-shirt wet, and didn't feel like wearing a damp shirt. Besides, if she was going to torture him in that sexy dress… well, he hoped she'd enjoy the view. 

They went back to the car and headed back to the crypt for Spike to get some clean dry clothes. He had some clothes that he'd gotten years ago, when he'd been trying to impress Buffy. He hadn't had much chance to wear them since then, but they were still clean and in good condition. Dawn looked so nice, that he felt he should dress up at least a little. As he started changing his clothes, he realized that Dawn would probably be embarrassed if he changed in front of her, so he took his clothes and went into the shadowy alcove in the back of the crypt, where Dawn had changed the other day. He came out wearing the outfit that had gone totally unnoticed by Buffy five years earlier. Dawn smiled at him. "You look really good in that." 

"You're sure I don't look stupid? Disadvantage of the whole no mirror thing, not being able to tell for ourselves how we look." 

"Well, you look great, Spike." 

"Let's get going then. Where do you want to go, Dawn? I don't know of anywhere to go in this town other than The Bronze, and I'm not sure how you feel about going there after..." 

"So I had one bad experience there. No reason to avoid the place. The Bronze is fine with me." 

Spike drove them out to The Bronze and parked the car. He walked into the place for the first time in years, with Dawn on his arm. 

  
  
To be continued... 

  
  



End file.
